City Hall Announcement: All Sofia Potholes Placed Under Monument Protection

In a surprising move, Sofia Municipality has declared all potholes located on Sofia streets “national heritage items”, which are now under monument protection, effective immediately. This bold decision applies to potholes on all streets and boulevards, as well as to holes on all pavements. City Hall spokesman Victor Holeov stated: “This is about all holes. The bigger the hole, the better.”

During a press conference, Holeov said, the move was “designed to preserve our national identity, right there, on the streets”. According to the officials in charge, drivers in the capital insist on keeping their potholes. “Sofia with smooth streets would lack its central trademark”, Holeov told the media representatives on site. “We will even create more potholes, artificially, in order to increase driver satisfaction”. He assured the public that the “biggest step since the invention of the jackhammer” had been taken in accordance with the Ministry of Transport.

Since the Municipality intends to demonstrate it means business, it will reverse the recent renovation of the central “Ruski Pametnik” intersection. Road “repair” work will be starting on September 15th, the first day of school. “I can assure you, that will create an impressive mess”, Holeov said. During the endeavour, “Blvd. Czar Boris III” will be closed to all traffic, including dog walkers. “Do you understand the far reaching implications all of this will have?”. That rhetorical question was unnecessary, since everyone in the room did.

Drivers in Sofia, who were confronted with the good news from City Hall, had a wide range of opinions. A bearded man, waiting at a red traffic light at “Orlov Most”, in his 1982 Renault Laguna, hinted he would rather not comment, by using the words “Get out of my sight, you lunatic, before I run you over”. While racing down Bulgaria Boulevard towards the city center, the driver of a cooling truck labelled “Сладулед за вситшки” told Magazine79, he could not wait to cross “Ruski Pametnik” in its former state: “That jumpy ride always made me feel younger.”

On the phone, Dimitar Speedov, General Manager of the taxi company “O.K. Taxi”, was eager to share his view. Asked whether his company agreed with the Municipality’s decision, he said “O.k..”. But he did indeed believe his company’s clients will be less comfortable than they are anyway: “O.k.”, said Speedov. He also commented on the additional number of shockers his drivers might need to have installed, probably every few weeks: “O.k.”.

Most expats in Sofia were just as happy. Héctor Garcia from Valparaiso said: “Te voy a romper la madre, pendejo.” Christian Recklinger, a German photographer, who works for a publishing house specialized in city guides for tourists, reacted in a positive way as well: “Wenn Du Deine hässliche Visage nicht überaus plötzlich aus meinem Sichtfeld bewegst, bekommst Du eine neue Zahnlücke, Du minderbemittelter Penner”, he told Magazine79. Under the condition of anonymity, the Chinese embassy’s driver said: “但通過初稿能夠首次在大量影印資料中進行全文檢索以快速查閱其中的內容”.

By Imanuel Marcus

More satire? There is more in our satire category “Serious & Undisputable”.

An excellent pothole. Perfection! This is only one. There are 4,999,999 more of them.
An excellent pothole. Perfection! There are 4,999,999 more of them in Sofia.
Impressive: A good pothole with a built-in manhole.
Impressive: A good pothole with a built-in manhole.
A national treasure, category 5 (tiny hole).
A national treasure, category 5 (tiny hole).
This large hole will definitely not be repaired.
This large hole will definitely not be repaired.
Another national heritage item.
Another national heritage item: Pothole no. 2,109,082 on Blvd. Pencho Slavejkov. This one was repaired. But it will be recreated, because of the new approach.



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