The Right Holiday Diet: How to Gain Enough Weight in Winter

Dresdner Christstollen, a German Christmas cake. Do not forget to spread a thick layer of butter on your slices.

Dresdner Christstollen, a German Christmas cake. Do not forget to spread a thick layer of butter on your slices.

We all know the feeling: We come out of the shower in winter and notice some imbecile has left the bathroom window open. Within milliseconds, we feel like a penguin in Antarctica, stuck in a cooling chamber.

We do not have to go through this kind of torture: Let’s gain weight. That way, we will not be cold ever again. Gaining weight, or making sure our weight does not decrease, is easier than we think. The secret is the “Two “W” Diet” (or Winter Weight Diet), which works very well around the holidays. Just follow these principles and steps:

Do not move that much. Working out at gyms is for cowards. Who wants to be stared at while running on a treadmill like a hamster?

Why walk? We live in an era in which there are so-called cars. They mostly have four wheels and take you from A to B without hassle. Walking is a thing of the past.

Who wants salad leaves? Have Dresdner Christstollen, a German Christmas cake speciality (see main picture). And plenty of it. Make sure to cover every slice with a thick layer of German butter. By the way: The Lidl supermarket chain offers “Christstollen with poppy seeds”. Forget it. That’s like adding ketchup to salad.

Have Swiss cheese fondue, which is the perfect winter and holiday dish. The disadvantage: Cheese fondue is hard to find in Eastern Europe. The advantage: This stuff will get our weight up within days, if we keep on eating it. Also it is the most delicious meal ever.

Cheese fondue is a. delicious, b. delicious and c. delicious. Let's eat lots of it.

Cheese fondue is a. delicious, b. delicious and c. delicious. Let’s eat lots of it.

Let’s make sure our pork steaks have the right amount of grease. They might not be kosher, but they sure as hell taste good. Having two of them at a time will demonstrate to our friends and family members that we do know how to enjoy pork steaks properly. They will be impressed.

See? We told you it is easy to keep up the weight using the Winter Weight Diet.

Oh, those people jogging in the park, doing their laps even in winter? They are brainwashed. That friend of yours who says he can not come to the cheese fondue orgy because of a date with the treadmill? Laughable. That vegan friend who would rather have half a carrot for dinner than part of an animal? Has he ever seen a cheese fondue walk away, on four legs?

A poll on the streets of Sofia has shed some light into the diet habits of Bulgarians and expats. Out of the 42,604 people asked whether they had heard of the “Two “W” Diet”, 100% said they had not, and 100% said they did not want to hear about it either. 76.4% told our pollsters to go to hell, 23.6% asked them to f*** off.

By Imanuel Marcus

 

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